Tired of aspirational interiors magazines where a single piece of featured furniture costs more than an average yearly salary? Apartamento magazine has carved a niche of exposing the interiors of the everyday profiling folks that have actually built and received splinters from that wonky shelving unit featured in its pages. 

Apartamento editor Marco Velardi paid our jumbled abode a visit last summer before it turned into a winter ice skating rink and took some pictures. Welcome to the Zombie Porn Factory… 

Apartamento Magazine Issue #3 Cover

Photographs by Marco Velard

Here is the text by David Piper:

Among the more odious habits of the gang that live here is showering naked. Fat Fingers Miller (not to be confused with Footwank Miller and his brother Asterix) in particular really goes for it with the soap, which tends to rile Demolition Dave something rotten. But it’s just one example of the many little idiosyncratic paths of behaviour that develop when people live in a place while they’re slowly building it. Putting blinds up in the bathroom wasn’t as important, at the time, as the electrics, say, so it never happened, and now they like to joke they’re just performing a service for the neighbours.

Similarly, a random accumulation of objects and amenities from a variety of extremely fascinating sources constantly hints at an imminent aesthetic disaster which somehow hasn’t quite materialised: you’ll find a giant mirrorball and huge green fist, rescued from a friend’s failed sustainable disco campsite venture. But just you wait ’til they build the trompe l’oeil maze…

They recently became the first house in Europe to adopt Digital Time, the revolutionary new system espoused (in his book Power of 10, currently out of print) by good friend and frequent guest of the house Stanley Mchale, the arch-guru of the new chronologists, entrepeneur, and motivational speaker extraordinaire. A typical day might be divided into the following digital hours:

1. Light weapons training
2. Swim/run/darts
3. Horticultural inventions
4. Poetry team
5. Rain/hail/sleet/snow
6. Advanced time-wasting
7. Brain freeze
8. Freakbeat/psych/mod

Current plots being hatched within the house include an exhibition of drawings of boobs, Dandy speed-dating, a 6-star luxury obstacle course, and a handful of miscellaneous jokes and chat-up lines - it is something of a hub for hopeful young men (and women!) keen to gain whatever advantage they can on the Sexy Battlefield. If you’re there you should check out the plumbing, which they did themselves - they have 24-hour hot and cold running sex on tap!

Photographs by Marco Velardi

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